Words of wisdom to help you laugh/smile your way through the holidays.
The first five below are by Jane Seabrook, an illustrator and designer who lives in Auckland, New Zealand.
You can’t be young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.
I would be unstoppable if I could just get going.
If there’s no chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.
I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. They know me here.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Bad decisions make good stories.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to restart my collection…again.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble …
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs . . .’
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of . . . Algebra.
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously.
From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
Here are some real examples that have been heard, reported or stolen from other airlines:
Flight Attendant: “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
Pilot: “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want). Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing a seat, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
On another flight, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
Upon landing, a flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
Flight Attendant: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
Flight Attendant: “Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
Pilot: “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”
Flight Attendant: “Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
Flight Attendant: “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”