This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of 24 very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires…”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me here…)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.  The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable “fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the “fires.”

NOW  FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Best Lawyer/Insurance Story of the Year, Decade & Century originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on August 9, 2011.

The following questions were included in last year’s GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) . . . and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true.)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control.
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable.)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

GED Examination – Mind-boggling Answers – Laugh or Cry originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on August 3, 2011.

At first read, I thought this headline was a joke: “Google – a prominent beneficiary of national home loan and foreclosure crisis of the past two years.”  Every form of media that accepts money in exchange for advertising has been a beneficiary of every scam, sham and shyster campaign ever propagated on the public. The housing crisis is simply the critter de jeur.

Now we need a congressional hearing and investigation by  the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX and the Monkey’s Eyebrow Weekly Gazette. And we need new laws in place – I mean right now – hey, let’s create a new federal agency and have them police Google’s role in the housing crisis.

Let’s trample this country’s greatest and most utilized of all inalienable rights – people have the right to be just as stupid as they want to be.

The new agency could be called the FSA. Federal Stupidity Agency. I can see it now – unemployment would be totally eliminated since it would take millions (make that billions) to staff the enforcement division. There could even be specialty divisions within the agency – the Redneck division, a special SWAT division for San Francisco, a cyber stupidity division for those that can’t resist Facebook and MySpace. Stupidity deployment teams would be on call, 24/7, for emergency deployment to areas manifesting out of the ordinary stupidity.

They could modify Obamacare to make sure that stupidity was covered under the new national healthcare, leading to even more jobs for rehab workers, social services and crisis management – this would even solve the illegal immigrant problem. Policing stupidity would require insane numbers of enforcers.

The housing crisis could be totally eliminated – every person successfully completing the Stupidity Rehabilitation program ( another federal agency ) would be given a free foreclosed home. And when they run out of foreclosures for the give-away, they could come and take yours and mine.

After all, stupid is as stupid does.

That was fun.

written by:  Anonymous – Just in case someone (stupidly) takes it seriously and enacts the FSA.

Related Posts:

Cash for Crash: Hang on to Your Cash for the Coming Crash

Note to the Vanishing Middle Class: Hang  on to your cash for the coming crash. No one knows for certain if the market will continue spiraling upwards or return to Mother  Earth. But there are certainly ominous signs.

Caution – Second Stimulus Ahead: Spreading Crumbs of Wealth on the Middle Class

Unemployment has reached 10.2 percent, 190,000 jobs were lost in October, and 79 percent of Americans say the economic downturn has forced them to get by with less. Eighty-seven percent are worried about the future of the nation.

Does Social Networking Give Productive/Creative Loners a Bad Rap?

Is social networking giving productive/creative loners a seriously wrong-headed economic disadvantage? The term “loner” once suggested the self-confident, silent type who said little but knew more than he/she let on. A person of few words who got the job done. An achiever, a person with a rich, goal-oriented inner life – …

Right to be Stupid vs New FSA – Federal Stupidity Agency originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on July 20, 2011.

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s and Doctors are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel 6 won’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street to Wal-Mart Street

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Have some great ideas for our list? Please use the comment box to share!

How Bad is the Economy? Bought a Toaster & Received a Bank. originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on April 9, 2011.

The first five are by Jane Seabrook, an illustrator and designer who lives in Auckland, New Zealand.

You can’t be young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

I would be unstoppable if I could just get going.

If there’s no chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. They know me here.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize  you’re wrong.

Bad decisions make good stories.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to restart my collection…again.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble …

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs . . .’

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of . . . Algebra.

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

From a Kulula employee: ” Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

Here are some real examples that have been heard, reported or stolen from other airlines:

Flight Attendant: “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

Pilot: “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want). Passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing a seat, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

On another flight, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

Upon landing, a flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

Flight Attendant: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

Flight Attendant: “Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

Pilot: “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

Flight Attendant: “Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

Flight Attendant: “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

Smile/Laugh Through the Holidays – Especially if You’re Flying originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on December 26, 2010.

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

And God created West Virginia

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it . . . I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s West Virginia , one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from West Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance. . . .”

God smiled, “Right next to West Virginia is Washington , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”

Why God Created West Virginia originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on May 2, 2010.

Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; Can you help?’

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’

Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’

Operator: ‘ Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’

Samsung Electronics

———————————————————————-

Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’

Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?’

Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’

———————————————————————–

Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?’

Operator: ‘Does the product name give you a clue?’

RAC Motoring Services

———————————————————————

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)

‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’

———————————————————————-

Directory Inquiries

Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’

Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’

Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

———————————————————————-

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’

Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland ‘

———————————————————————-

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’

Customer: ‘OK.’

Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’

Customer: ‘No.’

Tech Support: ‘OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’

Customer: ‘No.’

Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’

Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’

———————————————————————-

Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’

Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

———————————————————————-

Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’

———————————————————————-

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording

monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these

conversations!):

Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’

Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’

Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’

Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’

Operator: ‘Went away?’

Caller: ‘They disappeared’

Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’

Caller: ‘Nothing.’

Operator: ‘Nothing??’

Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’

Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’

Caller: ‘How do I tell?’

Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’

Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’

Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’

Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’

Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’

Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’

Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’

Caller: ‘I don’t know.’

Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes

into it. Can you see that??’

Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’

Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’

Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? ‘

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’

Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’

Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’

Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’

Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’

Caller: ‘No.’

Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?’

Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’s dark.’

Operator: ‘Dark?’

Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.’

Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’

Caller: ‘I can’t.’

Operator: ‘No? Why not?’

Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’

Operator: ‘A power … A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?’

Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’

Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’

Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’

Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’

Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’

Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!’

Darwin Award for Call Center Conversations originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on April 15, 2010.

Conversation with God

Man: God?

God: Yes?

Man: Can I ask you something?

God: Of course!

Man: What is for you a million years?

God: A second.

Man: And a million dollars?

God: A penny.

Man: God, Can you give me a penny?

God: Sure. Wait a second.

Conversations with God originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on March 3, 2010.

So she had an idea of how to handle it.  She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.  Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he know.  She did this for the whole week.  As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The friend said, “Well, who is she?”

That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

Well,” Timmy replied, you see…

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

If you read this far, you can’t turn back now . . .

Ok, then,  here goes . . .

“Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much.  And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

(Special thanks  to Dr. David Goldenberg for this story!)

Enjoy your day!

When Prayers Follow Your Children to School originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on February 18, 2010.

Who Needs GPS?

He thought about the 30 year business he ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

He signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so his seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with him in the modern way. He figured he could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of his grand-kids hooked him up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to his cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

His phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the jean sizes of the next generation. He was not ready to live like this. He keep his cell phone in the garage in his golf bag.

The kids bought him a GPS for his last birthday because they say he get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. He keeps that in a box under his tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone he’s supposed to use when he drives. He wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to his wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at him. Seems he had to take his hearing aid out to use it and he got a little loud.

The  GPS looked pretty smart on his dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person he had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-ul-ating” You would think that she could be nicer.. It was like she could barely tolerate him. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell him to make a U-turn at the next light.

Then when he would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When he gets really lost now, he calls his wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves him.

To be perfectly frank, he is still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in his house. He has had it for 4 years, but still has to dig under chair cushions and check bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex. They even mess him up every time he goes to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time  he goes to check out just knocks him for a loop.

So he bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with him.

Now he tosses it back to them. When they ask, “Paper or Plastic?” – he  just says, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual…”

Then it’s their turn to stare with a blank look.

Socially Unplugged: Successsful Businessman vs Twitter, Facebook & GPS originally appeared on Rights Radio™ with Dr. Joyce Starr - An Independent Voice on January 30, 2010.